A cautionary tale of travel

Early, and I mean early Wednesday morning, my mom, Kay and I arrived at Norfolk International, bags packed and ready to go to Texas. It's a family affair, all together there are thirteen of us traveling to San Antonio for Josh's boot camp graduation. The only absentee is my hard working hubby (he's getting some awesome souvenirs though)...
So we arrive, 4 bags, car seat, the deluxe stroller all in tow. Usually they let us check bags free with that handy military id, but not today :( So I take the car seat and the questionable carry on item, a Pampered Chef food chopper for Granny inside. They check the seat, free, and I'm directed to ask TSA about the chopper. The very large man looks at me like I'm an alien when I question him about carrying on the precious chopper, then the nosy assistant asks about the blades. Are they removable, um no, but I don't mention that it breaks down completely and you could theoretically wield it as a weapon. Provided you can get close enough to the terrorist without being shot first. I get the ok, personally I am shocked. I pray they know what they're talking about and I don't get arrested...
The usual airport madness ensues, my mom pushes the cadillac stroller with sleepy Kay, her 2 carry on bags, the diaper bag and my bag to the entrance, I'm trying to help her inside while being pursued by security. "You can't leave your vehicle unattended!!!!!" Yea, I also won't leave my child unattended. Park.
Then the dreaded security check point. I, as dangerous as I appear, get targeted to be patted down each time we fly. Like a few years ago, while leaving the Bahamas my bag and self was randomly? chosen to get the full screening. Today, though, we're loaded down. We're worried about the chopper, they scan my bag. Twice. They ask no questions but before I can do the victory dance I am summoned. For the diaper bag?! Oh! Crap! I forgot to tell them about the juice and baby food. Grrr! The woman makes a mess of my neatly packed and organized bag. Wiping it with the special bomb cloths. When I fly with highly explosive materials I always forget to clean off the residue! Dangggg! She locates the juice I've told her about, after she's emptied half the bag, in an outside pocket, which I also pointed out to her. Again, twice. Wipes, processes, and runs it down the belt again. Somehow, maybe through the lack of sleep, the ungodly hour, or her incredibly-difficult-to understand accent I miss the portion about getting searched. It's not until the TSA woman is standing behind me and I'm being fully accosted do I realize, I'm getting searched because of JUICE! By this time my mom and Kay have put them themselves back together, walked down to the gate, waited, then walked back to security. My mom first sees me, legs spread and arms out, and practically screams across the airport, "Rachel! Are you getting ARRESTED?!" Um, jeez mom, I wasn't, but thanks! Now all eyes are on me, including this guy who has taken a sudden interest in watching my full body pat down. Uh, nothing to see here, better get moving or you're next, creeper! So the search ends with me getting the juice back and feeling fully violated. We high tail it to the gate, then make our way to the very back of the plane to the empty seats. Our seats have been given away at this point, as the flight attendants have written us off as no-shows.
Settle in, taxi out, I fix Kay a cup of the questionable juice and she settles down to take a much needed nap. She's sucking alternately on her pacifier and juice cup as we take off. About 20 seconds later I feel wet. I look down, Kay isn't drooling, hmmmmm. I go back to tightly closing my eyes to pray fervently for a safe flight, and again am interrupted by the feeling of wetness. Kay is fast asleep, clutching her cup and snuggled up in my lap. I lay her across the empty seat and without too much delay realize the pressure in the cabin is causing her cup to overflow out of the straw. I wipe her up, best I can without waking her then look down at my shirt to asses the damage. It's bad, much worse than I had originally thought. My entire shirt is soaked and it looks like I'm lactating. Honest.
We arrive in Hotlanta without further incident, me in a new shirt and ready for Cinnabon! We add Matt and Dad to the posse, re-board and are on the last leg of our journey west. By this time, you and I should already know the rest of the week is going to be just as crazy and entertaining as the first few hours. In fact, I'm counting on it. I'll update when I can <3

GPS Dependant

So. This is mostly about how loyally and unquestionably I follow my GPS.

The very first thing out of place in this story is me, in Yorktown. After handing out tickets at a vendor fair I attended a very brief show in Hampton. So incredibly glad I went, this woman FED me(!) the very best stuffed shells and lasagna E.V.E.R! Oh my! It was ah-maz-ingggg! (I picked her brain and learned the secrets to her red sauce!!!!) - score of the day! If you can't tell I'm totally stoked! Seriously, I wanted to curl up on this stranger's couch and nap after eating! Ok, ok. Back to the story... Needless to say I am not very familiar with Hampton, have no GPS signal and am completely unsure of how to get to the highway from this lady's house. Alas, after a few moments of holding up traffic trying to leave the neighborhood my GPS, Monica, has figured out how to get us home. (Yes, our GPS has a name.) I spent a few red lights and side streets checking in with the fam. And manage to get to the highway without too many difficulties, I'm not gonna count being in the wrong lane, trying to turn down the wrong street and changing lanes in the intersection... I make it through the tunnel, back to my home turf and follow Monica's directions to merge left. It's then I realize, I'm barreling down the HOV entrance at 75 um + (don't tell Frank) while all the gates are down. I'm reading the sign that says HOV closed to ALL traffic, seeing the lights and still driving toward the entrance! I get back over, I'm pretty sure I checked to make sure it was still clear. Then looked in the rearview, half expecting to see some blue lights, when I notice 2 other cars following me back off the HOV ramp! Gah! Monica got turned off immediately and I made it home.

You may not know but I went to a Ladies Retreat this weekend with my church. I've never considered myself overly zealous, probably the complete opposite, but I am going to get up on my soap box for just a few minutes. So this has got me thinking, why do I not follow God with the same blind loyalty? Why do I question my Creator? I'll follow a stupid piece of technology into oncoming traffic but I hesitate to do God's will! What a wake up call! It's amazing how much the Lord has shown me in the past 3 days, and you can bet I'll be following God's Perfect Street (eh, needed an 'S' word) towards His will for my life from now on.

And that my friends, is all for tonight. 'Night!

Yes, I would like laser eyes... Please.

I was once asked at a job interview if I could have any super power what would it be... hehehehe... Oh, have I got a good one. I would like, please, to be able to shoot lasers from my eyes. You know, X-Man-Cyclops style. At the time I justified it by saying, as a Referee, if a player got out of line I would just **zap** Problem Solved.

It's been 5 years, haven't changed my mind. There are still people who deserve a little zap. Cut me off in traffic? I don't think so. Rude to me on the phone? Sorry about your luck. Noisy neighbors? Not anymore. Wake me up at 2am cause your bass is shaking my bedroom.? Oh.
Don't judge me. You wish you could do it too. Ever seen a parent be mean to a little kid for no reason? I'm sorry, but they definitely deserve a little jolt.

Now this doesn't sound or feel very Christian to me. But who are we kidding, it's just a fantasy. A gratifying one.

The only answer I couldn't give was the ability to fly. Ha! Didn't even cross my mind. That's lame. Don't get me wrong, it would be fun, but there are planes, helicopters, bungee jumping, you get the idea... But what do I have to give others a little slap upside the head when they're on my nerves? I'm not Gibbs, I can't go around giving head slaps. What other options do I have? Here's hoping evolution does some major work!

Diagnosis: Not Pregnant

I am not pregnant. I know I am not pregnant, there is no possible way I am pregnant.

But I am nauseous all the time. For the last few months I feel like getting sick at least once a day. Yesterday it was in the morning, today after doing dishes.

It all started when Frankie got me these vitamins. I took one, got sick. The next day, rinse and repeat. I haven't felt the same since...

I've also developed a keen sense of super smell. The smallest odor makes me gag (Sounds like a parasite, I know!!!!). I walk past the tightly closed trash can, gag. I open the fridge, gag. I open the freshly loaded dishwasher, gag. Thinking about smells, making me gag, I had better stop.

Now I'm going to put the final nail in my own coffin. I have been having some massive headaches and dizzy spells. Add not sleeping and very vivid dreams to the list, as well.

Sounds like irrefutable baby evidence to me. (Honestly, I'm disappointed that's not the case. It's just not the right time for us, yet.) So why am I feeling so gross and sick? Any ideas or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Crazy Rants

In case you're wondering, I am not as crazy as I seem. I mean sure, I show up to meetings completely decked out in pink... I typically complain about everything/one but I am far from bitter... I act crazy for myself, cause life is short. I'm mostly outrageous for the sake of my sanity. <-If your a mother you know how I'm feeling. It's so easy to worry and stress over every. little. thing! So why not have some fun? Seriously, this is gonna sound bad, but I complain for sheer comic relief. It seems like everyone is soooo worried what everyone else thinks. Um, not here buddy! I could care less if you think I'm a crazy person. Guess what? I'd agree with you! It works for me. Makes me happy and all that other important stuff. So with that being said, don't take my rants to heart. If I have an actual problem with you or whatever- it's not gonna be posted here. Stop reading now if you're gonna get hurt feelings...

I really, really have issues with being FB friends with people I don't actually know. Like if you graduated with my baby brother, I've never met you, or we never, ever (and I do mean this) got along; why are you sending me a friend request? You don't KNOW me! You might think this is an easy fix, just don't add them - then I get the awkward message, that you have so bravely sent to someone you don't know. And I feel like a rotten jerk... Ok, ok we can BE Facebook friends. Sheeesh! My favorite is when you send my husband a message asking why I am not friends with you, after all, you just wanted to share pictures of my child to a bunch of people I also don't know. Um, creeper. Or, oh! And this is a goooood one! Why, why why?!? Do you feel the need to clog up my Facebook newsfeed with junk! Like your 8th status update of the day? Really?! I'm sorry but you aren't that interesting/funny/smart or whatever else you think you are. And if you're posting high school drama - which I should never have to read (cause I am not friends with anyone still in high school, fam excluded) you should be ashamed! People don't get along, fine! But don't post about it for everyone to see! Or at least don't post it for me to see....! So I recently started blocking you people who make me want to scream from my news feed... But then I realized all my actual friends are kinda boring- don't take this the wrong way- I love to read what you & your kids are doing....but you don't post a whole lot, cause you're not on FB 24/7... And trust me- it's a good thing! But the drama posts are like a bad accident, or scary movie, you don't want to look, but you do. Like celebrity gossip. I don't care who Courtney Cox is dating now, btw it's Grayson! But I do. (<3 Cougar Town! Don't judge us- oh yes! US). Back to the point...Unfortunately your drama has become a sort of entertainment addiction. I don't spend all day on the computer, but this iPhone gives me a instant portal into your life, now that does sound creepy. Goal tomorrow? Only check Facebook 3 times. Trust me, that will be challenging.

And now reading this back, I'm only convinced of one thing.... I really am as crazy as I seem, eh, oh well!

Awful Luckie

Yesterday ended with a big loud bang! Banging piano that is. We ventured out to Hampton after an already too long of a day to meet up with some friends. The venue? Luckie's Dueling Piano Bar. >>Mind you the last time I was in such a place was way back while attending a flag football tournament in Pensacola during college. My first experience at a piano bar? Let's just say, in-san-ity! We were there at least 4 nights in a row, including New Years Eve, and my life was never the same. The loud music, the camaraderie of singing off key and the pitchers of free beer certainly helped sky rocket those nights into an untouchable place in my memory. Fast forward 4 years, to a much better and sober me with a chance to revisit that magical place... Frank had never been to see dueling pianos, and I knew if I described it, he would announce "lame!" and our Saturday night would consist of watching the missed episode of The Ultimate Fighter. I told him to be surprised, I bribed him by volunteering to drive and I kept his mind off asking more questions by talking baseball... (oh the things....) I managed to get him inside the bar without too much resistance and then the fun started! We were easily the youngest people there, the most modestly dressed and by far the soberest! As the night progressed we managed to see some pretty strange things unfold before our very eyes, let me recount a few. The first was a very large man dancing to 'Foot Loose'. Luckily this was not the only time he broke it down. But Man! He could move! All eyes were on him (as he was the only one dancing and quite vigorously, at that) praying he wouldn't fall on the very small lady he dragged onto the floor. Notably next were the highly inebriated birthday girls who started dancing with one another. They also targeted the piano players, any chair in the immediate area or other person walking by. At one point a man ran up and stuck dollar bills into their showing underwear. Who ever you are, I applaud you! Hil-ar-ious! We saw a 20something wanna be Justin Bieber, down to the comb forward and skinny jeans. We noticed the crowd get younger and the bar get full as the last hour of the dueling pianos began. We laughed at everything! The strange dancing, the altered words of the songs, our own new found ability to sing louder than we had first dared. All in all it was another indescribable experience. Even Frank loved it, weren't expecting that were ya? So....I suggest you visit your local dueling piano bar asap! It's sure to be a night not soon forgotten! This is my disclaimer: If you are easily offended or overly sensitive to lewd and/or crazy behavior, skip it.

And this is my final thought from the night. If America is the melting pot for cultures, then the piano bar is easily the melting pot for ages. A must GO!

That is all....... For now...

The Start.

Last night as Frank and I readied ourselves for bed I decided the time had come to share the latest news. He must finally know the truth! I had started a blog. Frank said nothing. Followed by an over dramatized "Noooooooo!!!" At this point I feel I must mention our hatred of over sharing.
We tolerate Facebook in the slightest amounts.
We dislike myspace (do people still use that?).
We deplore twitter!
And we absolutely loath blogs. So the fact I had started my own made me both giddy and nauseous. But I digress.
Then the obvious question, but why?!?! Well, for obvious reasons, to share the latest happenings, complain anonymously about people who clog up my Facebook newsfeed, share recipes and brag about all the beautiful and very free Pampered Chef products I'm getting!!!! After a few moments of silence, in honor of my dignity, Frank says "I have a confession." (Me?!?!)"I have a twitter account." Bahahahaaaa!!! Frank immediately starts in with his reasonings, to follow Kobe and Lebron (did you know his momma got arrested? I had not, until this conversation) and Jim Rome (add him to the list of dislikes). We then proceeded to lay in bed and laugh at ourselves. <- Mark that one down as a quality family time.
So this is it, the start, it's not much, just the ramblings of a crazy military wife, cooped up mother and brand spanking new Pampered Chef consultant. Enjoy fellow crazies! xxx

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